I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
