Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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