i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize