im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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