There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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