i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
