I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She told me I should be a condom model.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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