On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
