Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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