somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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