I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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