Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
