if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
