I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
