"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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