Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Randomize
