A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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