Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
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