mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
