umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize