So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
