Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
