I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize