I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
