weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
