I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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