Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
God, I missed his penis.
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