Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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