Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Of course I have a pirate flag
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
