my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
