she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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