I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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