How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
