Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
