Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
