I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize