I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
