After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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