I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
