based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
