Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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