Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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