Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
