Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
