And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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