I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
My breasts were aching with rage.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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