Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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