Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
