PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
