God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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