I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
