Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize