im six kinds of drunk right now
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
