i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
