I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
