I need help removing her.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
